Once upon a time, I wore cargo pants. Not all the time mind you. When I was in a “mannish” mode or was on my way to a movie. My mother recently told my fiance this by saying “Claire used to wear the Pants of Plenty to the movies.” To anyone, this phrase is silly and doesn’t make a lick of sense. To my mom and I, it’s hilarious. Still I had to explain to Jess what this actually meant. We used to stuff my cargo pants full of food. Soda, Candy, Chinese take-out (Yes, I am totally serious) and what ever else we could fit into those pockets. It made my pants weigh like 10 pounds and I had to wear a belt because gravity. After the Chinese Food thing, my mom asked how I could hold so much contraband in my pants and I replied that they were Pants of Holding, referencing D&D’s bag of holding. Mom could never remember that phrase though and started calling them the pants of plenty.
Retelling the story about stuffing my pants full of sesame chicken and chop sticks to watch the original matrix, Jess and I were struck with the most wonderful and horrible idea. We were going to go see the 50th anniversary showing of Cleopatra and we were going to bring beer. The first problem with our plan is that I no longer have cargo pants. Not from a lack of trying. I can not find any in the city I live in. Every place I look keeps informing me that it’s not the years 1998-2006 any more. So the only pockets I had were the pockets on my fleece vest that I wearing. I have like 6 fleece vests, so I am practically always wearing one. The pockets are deep, but not Pants of Plenty deep and the beer we bought was too big to fit. So, I came up with another horrible idea.
I bought 2 spill proof sippy cups at Safeway. One was shaped like a frog, the other like a bear. They were cheap and spill proof! Nothing could go wrong there, right? I filled those things with the beer and then put them in my pockets. I threw on another jacket to cover my bulging pockets and took my seat. Jess and I were thinking “aw yeah, beer to get us through this 4 hour movie!” I carefully set my coat down, got settled, waiting for the lights to dim to pass our beer to Jess. Suddenly I heard a terrible popping sound.
“What the hell was that?” I asked Jess and Grandpa. Both gave me a shrug. Then I realized what it was, it was the sound of the purple bear shaped sippy cup EXPLODING in my pocket. I had shaken it too much and it built up too much pressure. that cheap plastic cup couldn’t handle it and suddenly my jacket and I were in a lake of beer.
I carefully took the other cup out, slid it under the seat and went and got a bunch of paper towels from the bathroom, trying not to be infected with the giggles.
By the time that was cleaned up, a lady had sat next to me and a group sat on the other side of Jess. Grandpa had fallen asleep. The lights dimmed and Jess figured it was safe to open the other beer. It too, had been shaken up too badly and as she opened it, it shot across her, grandpa, myself and the lady next to me. It showered us all in beer. I really thought at first that the gig was up. It hit a stranger. She laughed and then flashed me the contents of her purse. Kettle Corn in a plastic bag, candy, sodas. I might need to get myself a purse.
We had the giggles for most of the night and vowed to figure out a better way to sneak beer into a movie.
oh and to top it off, I am wearing my shirt that advertises that I work or am involved somehow with a local elementary school. Next week the theater is playing Jaws.